Having Children: A Guide from AZ, by Harry Potter
by Jade The Orkkiller
Summary: Humor! Parody! HPGW This is a Guide version that Harry writes about his own experience. Exaggerated! rated T for cursing, sex
1. Step 1: How to make a child

**Author's Note: My Friend and I were in a funny mood, so wo wrote this ridiclious, embarrassing, exaggerated story about how Harry thinks about having children.**

**Remark: I don't own any of these characters. **

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**HAVING CHILDREN: A GUIDE FROM A TO Z**

_**By Harry Potter**_

_When I was little, I always wondered where the children came from. But now I know better. And now I will make children. It's quite fun actually. Well of course for the making part. Because when the time has come, your wife will curse you to hell and if you dare lay another hand on her she'll kill you. And then of course there's the part of being a father._

**First step: How to make a child?**

_**First of all you need a wife, a girlfriend … anyway just a women. I choose for the first one. Then the place, they say you can do it everywhere, but I still prefer a bed and somewhere where no one can disturb you (You don't want your mother-in-law to burst in your room).**_

**_Warning: If you are a celebrity make sure no one can hear or see a thing of what you do._**

Ginny and I were three months married now, we had a row and the trouble began …

"I want to go to a warm country, how am I else supposed to sunbathe?" Ginny said.

"I don't want to sunbathe this time, last time three guys started drooling all over me!"

"It's not my fault you picked out a hotel with gay couples!" Ginny yelled.

"How could I know, it was not in the brochure!" I said with a scarlet face.

"Yeah, yeah! That's what they all say!"

"Oh come on don't be ridiculous. And I really want to go to a cold country, you know so we can snowboard."

"You can't even snowboard!" Ginny snorted.

"That's because you never give me a chance to learn it!"

"I don't argue with you anymore!" Ginny said furious she went out and slammed the door closed and went out.

"Fine! Do it your way!" I yelled. I walked to the kitchen and took the strongest Vodka we had in the house. I didn't even bother to take a glass. I drunk the whole bottle and started singing. Loudly and of-key, but who cares! In the end I was so drunk that I could see pink elephants dancing through the room. That moment Ginny choose to come home. By the looks of it, she had been drinking fire whisky at the Three Broomsticks, but it may also because of the fact that I had been drinking too much and that I was imagining things.

"Harry look out! There's a pink elephant behind you!" Ginny said pointing somewhere behind me. That proves that I didn't hallucinate about the dancing elephant or Ginny was even more drunk than I was. I love Ginny when she's drunk. We always have good sex when we're drunk. Not that I can remember much of it, but still. But now I think of it.

"Ginny! Let's have some fun!" I said while drinking the last drop of the Vodka and throwing the bottle away. Ginny giggled maniacally.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Let's make some good love. What do you think?"

"I think you're some attractive guy!" Ginny said giggling.

"I take that as a yes," I said mischievously.

"Yeah, but first you gotta catch me!" Ginny said and she ran away. I ran after her and took hold of her jacket. She unbuttoned the jacket and threw it of.

"You can't catch me that easily!" she said with a drunken smile. I grinned sheepishly. And took her pants in my hand, what caused her to fall on her stomach. She crawled out of her pants and ran of in her knickers. For a moment I couldn't move, I was only able to watch at her with my mouth wide open. She ran into the bedroom. When I came back to earth I followed her into the bedroom. I couldn't see her. All of a sudden she took hold of me and kissed me while she unbuttoned my shirt. I pushed her on the bed and pulled my pants of. I crawled next to her under the sheets and a moment later we threw our underwear aside. We were having the wildest sex I ever can remember (well at least what I can remember of it).

**_Alright that was the making part. After this the fun is over! Take it from me. What comes after this is a LIVING HELL._**

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Alright what do ye think? Is it alright if I continue this crazy guide story?

Grtz

Jade The Orkkiller


	2. Step 2: Finding out about the pregnancy

**Author's note: Here I'm again, thanks for the reviews. Enjoy this second part.**

**_To my Reviewers:_**

_Missmunky: Your wish is my command._

_Silver Vampire of the Shadow: 'Haha' that's what we thought when we wrote it._

_Kyra2117: I love that you love it!_

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Second step: What to do when you find out that your wife is pregnant?**

**_After your 'lovely' night you might notice that your wife is sick in the beginning of the day also known as 'Morning sickness'. If you start noticing this you can consider that your wife is pregnant. Great job (sarcastically)! You're doomed! But when your wife finally admits that she's pregnant act like you're surprised and of course very happy._**

A couple of weeks later after our 'wild' night I noticed Ginny ran often to the bathroom. And I must say I had a very bad feeling about this. My premonition proved right three weeks after the incident.

"Harry?" Ginny said when I entered the living room.

"Yeah?"

"I have to tell you something," Ginny said looking to the ground. _'Oh-ow,' _thought my brain.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I went to see a healer today-"

'_Crap!'_

"-and he told me that I am-"

'_Double crap!'_

"pregnant," Ginny said soft.

'_I'm doomed!'_ I looked as surprised as was possible and forced a smile on my face.

"That's, that's-"

'_Horrible!'_

"-great!" I said and I embraced her. Ginny looked up at me and smiled widely.

"Really? I thought you would find it horrible," she admitted. I tried to look even more surprised and blinked with my eyes.

'_It's horrible!'_

"Of course not, I'm happy. We're going to have a baby," I said and I laid my hand on her belly.

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That was it, the third step has already a name I only have to write it LOL.

Grtz Jade The Orkkiller


	3. Step 3: How to deal with a pregnant wife

**Third step: How to deal with a pregnant wife?**

**Put this in the back of your head: If your wife asks you if she looks fat. Never ever answer yes or no at that point. You really need to find a smartass answer. Because this is happens when you answer with yes or no.**

4 months pregnant:

Ginny was standing in front of the mirror, looking at her reflection when I entered (bad timing). Ginny turned toward me.

"Harry, do you think I'm fat?" I raised my eyebrows.

"No of course not, Honey!" I answered. Ginny started to cry.

"You're lying, I'm ugly, I'm so fat. Why don't you just admit it."

5 months pregnant:

"I'm so ungly, look at my stomach it so big. I'm sooo fat!" Ginny cried.

"Yes, indeed your fat, but-" WACK! Ginny had hit me hard on my head. And now I was moaning in pain.

"You think you're suffering right now? Look at me, I SUFFER! And don't you dare call me fat again, Harry James Potter!"

6 months pregnant:

"Harry does dis dress make me look fat?" I was stunned as she asked me, 'no' was not the right answer and nor was 'yes'.

"Err-"

"Yes, I'm fat, otherwise you wouldn't think so long." Ginny cried.

"I hate you!" she yelled hysterically.

7 months pregnant:

"Harry do I look-"

"Nononono!" I cried as I ran out of the room as fast as my legs could carry me.

8 months pregnant:

"I'm fat! I eat to much and I can't help it, because I'm always hungry."

"Ginny listen to me, you're pregnant, all pregnant woman look like this. You still look so beautiful," I said in my most dreamy voice.

"Really?" Ginny asked uncertainly.

"Yes, really. I love you so much!" I said and I kissed her. Mmm I'm impressed by myself. I found the smartass answer muwhaha!


	4. Step 4: Wife in Labour

**To my lovely reviewers:** Seeing these lovely reviews of you makes me proud. I actually made someone laugh. Oh goodie. I like that!

But I've got a question for you all: where are you from? Because I'm from Belgium and my mother tongue is Dutch. So if I make some grammar or spelling mistakes: please forgive me, I'll do my best. But I'd like to have some English corespondents, you know to improve my English, because that's what I'm going to study next year.

So for those who are interested: but before you do that: review:-D

Grtz Jade The Orkkiller

**Fourth step: What to do when your wife has gone in labour?**

**The first thing I would say is: RUN AWAY! But that would mean: never return. Bad option. I mean as horrible as the whole pregnant thing was I still love Ginny. Yeah you can call me a hopeless lovesick man. But I mean what I say, Ginny is my world as often as we disagree, she means everything to me. But to answer the question, what do you do when your wife has gone in labour? First of all: DON'T PANIC! Your wife will get totally nervous and believe me you don't want to deal with a nervous, pregnant, labouring wife. Secondly: DON'T SMILE! Your wife will get angry if you do so. I believe me you don't want to deal with a angry, pregnant labouring wife.**

One month later, Ginny and I were well sleeping when the fate decided to er ... well intervened.

"Harry, Harry! For heaven's sake HARRY WAKE UP YOU DAMN IDIOT!" I woke up with a start.

"Where's the fire?" I asked looking bewildered around. WACK!

"YOU STUPID ASSHOLE! THERE IS NO FIRE! My water just broke." It took several minutes for me to figure out what that meant.

"Omygod omygod! What should we do, what should I do?" I panicked.

"You git, I need a healer NOW! Omygod, I'm going to die!!! Harry what if something is wrong with the baby? I'm to young to die! Where is that stupid healer!"

"Oh right." I ran to the fireplace and firecalled St Mungo's.

"Please send a healer over, my wife has gone in labour!" he yelled.

A minute later a healer stepped out of the fireplace.

"Where is she?" he asked.

Harry led him to the bedroom.

"What took you do long!" Ginny said in tears and she started screaming again.

"Is she going to be alright? Omygod, is everything alright?!" I asked panicking.

"HARRY STOP PANICKING! YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS!" Ginny yelled. I tried to force a smile, hoping that it would comfort her.

"STOP SMILING LIKE A BLOODY IDIOT! THERE IS NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT! I'M IN PAIN, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LAUGH!" I quickly wiped the smile of my face.

"Everything is alright for now, we only have to wait a couple of hours before you're fully dilated."

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! YOU'RE SAYING THAT I'VE TO SUFFER FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS?"


	5. Step 5: Surviving a delivery

**Author's note: Well you've waited long enough. I mean this doesn't take so long to write, the only thing what should happen more frequent is to open the document and actually write it. Right? Well here's the next part. Read, enjoy and push the bottom 'review'.  
Jade The Orkkiller  
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**HAVING CHILDREN: A GUIDE FROM A TO Z**

_**By Harry Potter**_

**Fifth step: How to survive a delivery?**

**Never let your wife hold your hand during a delivery, she will crush it and if you even dare to wince she'll yell at you. Oh and don't startle when she uses er- dirty language, 'cause they like to swear a lot, but that's normal. But after the delivery I was glad that I'm a man. Because if they really suffer as much as they yell than ... ouch.**

"Mrs Potter, you now are fully dilated!" the healer announced after eight hours of labour, which is not so long as I've come to understand. Although it's long enough to turn your wife into a bloodthirsty monster. Really Ginny was as scary as facing Voldemort and an entire army dementors.

"Fuck you and your fully dilated crap, pull this thing this instant out of me!!!" Ginny screamed.

"There won't be any pulling, but you'll be pushing it out yourself," the healer said cheerfully.

Man didn't this guy knew any better, he was playing with fire.

"You Up-the-ass-fucker! What are you smiling at huh! I'm suffering you Son of a whore and all you do is smile!" Ginny yelled at the top of her lungs.

I wouldn't be surprised if the entire neighbourhood had heard her yelling.

"Now now, Mrs Potter, there's no need to make a fuss of this," ther healer tried to calm her.

"Don't tell me what I should do! Jerk!" Ginny yelled even louder.

"I'm afraid I have to ask you to push," the healer said.

Ginny pushed and yelled and screamed, man I almost wet my pants in fear.

"Aaaah-I-HATE-YOU!" Ginny said through gritted teeth. I swallowed.

"It'll be all over soon," I promised her and took her hand in mine to show her I meant it.

That must have been 'the' mistake of the year. Because she squeezed my hand so hard that I couldn't feel the blood circulating in my hand andymore.

"We're almost there-" the healer said, but he was interrupted by Ginny.

"We? We?! WE?! You mean I, you son of a bitch! You're not doing anything besides looking at my vagina!"

While yelling that she squeezed my hand another time. I winced softly, but audible for Ginny.

"You dare to wince now, Harry James Potter? You dare to wince, while I'm trying to expel this child out of me! That got in there because of you! Oh I promise you that next time when you try something like this again, I'll make sure you can't pee while standing anymore."

I swallowed again.

"One push Mrs Potter," the healer announced.

Ginny pushed and then ... then I can't remember a thing, because I passed out. Apparently Ginny had squeezed my hand hard enough to crush all the bones.

So when I woke up, I was sitting in a chair, my hand hurt and was taped so I couldn't use it too much. Ginny was lying in bed nursing a little black haired baby. I stood up and walked toward her.

"Doesn't she look perfect?" Ginny asked cheerfully.

Wow since when is she doing so nice?

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**A/N: Well that was another part of the Guide book. Hope you liked it. R&R.**

**Jade The Orkkiller**


	6. Step 6: Acting like a father

**A/N: I'm sorry I took so long to finish this story. It's just I had a writer's block and many other things I had to attend. Anyway, here is the final part, I thought let's update it today, since tonight we all will be preoccupied with readin book 7.**

**Remark: I don't own Harry Potter, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this :-p**

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**Sixth step: How to act like a father?**

**Haha, you think the worst is over? Forget it palls, the worst yet has to come! I mean a pregnant wife is one thing, but a wife who gave birth recently and a little crying baby is too much to handle. **

Rachel, that's how Ginny named our little girl, was adorable ... well ... er adorable while asleep. She was my cute little princess during the day, but when the day turned into night, she became a little monster.

This night was no exception. Ginny and I were lying in bed. We were sleeping peacefully, when our little sirene started.

"Harry, go look what she needs," Ginny mumbled in her pillow.

"But Hon, she's probably hungry and you know I can't help her with that-"

"Go look anyway, if she's not hungry I still can sleep further," Ginny mumbled.

Harry grumbled and stood. He walked to the nursery and took his little cry-baby out of the crib. A strong smell entered his nose. "Ugh," Harry said retching. "Bloody poo-baby!" he grumbled through gritted teeth. He quickly changed her diaper and then he laid her back in the crib. As soon as she touched the bottom of the crib the little sirene opened her mout again. Harry cursed loudly.

"Harry! Stop curing, I can't sleep with you making so much noise!" Ginny yelled from their bedroom.

"Why did I marry her again?" he asked himself as he took Rachel in his arms and rocked her. Which caused the girl to get sick and puke all over her father. Harry's lips trembled as he felt anger rise in his veins. "You really hate daddy, do you – you little runt!" he said through gritted teeth. Now she started to cry even louder. "No-no, I didn't mean it! You're daddy's little princess – er sometimes." he said the last words barely audible.

When the little runt – er princess was finally asleep, I put her back in her crib and plumped down in the seat next to it. I took out a magazine which read:

**A guide for young parents, with quizzes and tips of other parents.**

I opened the magazine and found this quiz thing: 'What kind of father are you?' I started reading the questions.

**What do you do when you find out your wife is pregnant?**

A. You're happy and give a big party.

B. You take it as it is, even though you rather didn't have a kid.

C. You divorce her immediately.

D. You commit suicide.

Well B, I did take it against my will. Mmm D might be an option next time. Whoever answers A is a Loony!

**How do you deal with a pregnant wife?**

A. You're nice to her all the time.

B. You make sure she doesn't sees you much during the day (e.g. pretend like you have to work all the day, ...)

C. You don't deal with her, you just run away.

D. Alas, you're already dead when the time comes.

Stupid quiz my answer is not standing among them. I guess a mix of A,B and C. That D is still looking very appealing to me.

**What to do when your wife has gone in labour?**

A. You'll help her to the hospital, and you're all excited about this.

B. You take her to the hospital and stay out of her neighbourhood.

C. You run away.

D. Dead man, great excuse, isn't it?

Again my answer is not really there, mix of A and B.

**How to survive a delivery?**

A. You support your wife the whole time, no matter what happens.

B. You try to flee or you actually do.

C. You don't survive it, you die during the delivery.

D. You're already dead, nothing to survive for.

A come on! Piss of you loyal dog! Certainly B. But once again as I would answer D to all the previous questions next time then I don't have to worry about that anymore.

**How to act like a father?**

A. You help your wife with all the chores.

B. You only help when you're forced to.

C. You run away, whenever you hear your name.

D. You are already dead from the beginning or you died during the delivery.

Well once again B, pff, next time certainly D!

**Mostly A's:**

You're a great father, your wife is lucky to have you. You are loyal and will support your wife through everything. A baby is a blessing and not a burden to you.

Bullshit, loonies that's what those fathers are.

**Mostly B's:**

Althoug you don't feel entirely comfortable about this father-thing. You still are doing fine. Sometimes you should support your wife more. At least you take you responsibility.

Well according to what I did, I'm this kind of father. Bah 'you should support your wife more' do you know her you stupid magazine?

**Mostly C's:**

You should end what you start, if your wife is pregnant with your child then you should stay with her and don't run away, she needs you more than ever now.

Yeah yeah, and who supports me, huh?

**Mostly D's:**

Well you are not really a father, since your already dead. There's not really any advice we can give. We only feel sorry for you, that you didn't take the great adventure of being a father.

Sorry my ass! Being a father is not a great adventure, it's a nightmare!

**So If you still think you can handle this all then I've got three words for you: You're mad!**

**THE END****  
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** A/N: That was it, please review!  
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